What to Say (and Not Say) When You Talk to a Loved One About Their Drinking or Drug Use
October 7, 2026 · 7 min read
Medically reviewed by Jeffrey H. Simon, M.D.
Medical Director, Virginia Addiction & Mental Health Center · Last reviewed October 7, 2026
How you say it often matters more than what you say. These phrases come from motivational interviewing — the same approach our clinicians use — adapted for the kitchen table.
Before you start
- Choose a sober, private moment with time to spare.
- Write down two or three specific events. Stick to things you saw.
- Decide on one small ask, like a single assessment.
- Have the next step ready — the admissions number, (571) 586-2883, and a sense of your insurance coverage.
Phrases that open the door
"I love you, and I'm worried about you."
Starts with the relationship instead of the problem.
"Last Saturday you didn't remember driving home. That scared me."
One specific event, plus your feeling — hard to argue with.
"What do you think about how things have been going?"
Open questions get them talking about their own reasons to change.
"Would you be willing to talk to someone, just once?"
A small, concrete ask.
"I've already looked into options. Can I show you?"
Makes yes easy right then.
Phrases that shut it
"You're an alcoholic."
Labels start a debate about the word.
"You always…" / "You never…"
Absolutes invite counterexamples.
"After everything I've done for you…"
Guilt causes shame, and shame feeds using.
"If you loved us, you'd stop."
Addiction isn't a measure of love.
Bringing it up while they're high or drunk
Nothing said then is remembered well.
Handling the common pushback
- "I can stop anytime." — "Okay. Would you be willing to try a month and see how it goes? And if it's harder than you expect, talk to someone?"
- "I still go to work. I'm fine." — "I know you're working hard. That's why outpatient programs exist — many run around work hours." Our virtual IOP is built for this.
- "You drink too." — Don't defend yourself. "Maybe. Right now I'm worried about you."
- Silence or walking away. — Let it go for now. "I'm here when you want to talk." Then follow through.
If it goes badly
One conversation rarely settles anything. Most people need several. If you're worn out, our admissions team can coach you before your next try — and if they ever talk about hurting themselves, call or text 988.
Frequently asked questions
- When is the best time to bring it up?
- When they are sober, you are calm, and you have privacy and time — ideally soon after a consequence they can't explain away. Never while they are intoxicated or in the middle of an argument.
- Should I use the word 'addict' or 'alcoholic'?
- Avoid labels. They invite argument about the word instead of the behavior. Describe specific things you've seen and how they affected you.
- What if they get angry or deny everything?
- Don't argue the facts. Say what you've seen and how you feel, tell them you'll be there when they want to talk, and end the conversation. Ambivalence is normal; the seed often grows later.
- Should I give an ultimatum?
- Only set a boundary you are truly prepared to keep. A boundary about your own actions ('I won't ride in the car if you've been drinking') is more effective than a threat you won't follow through on.
Talk with our admissions team
A benefits check takes about five to ten minutes and there is no obligation to enroll. We are in-network with major commercial plans and can tell you what your policy covers before you commit.